long time no see

it has been a year plus since i posted something and talked about something. so this shall be a post where i talk about what i felt for th time i have not been here.

poly started off quite well for me since i went thru DPA and started sch earlier as compared to those who went into poly thru JAE which is the normal route. at first i was super reluctant cos the thought of starting sch earlier than th rest was not what i wanted at first but the 6 wks changed my mind and made me realise that sch was actually not that bad afterall. new friendships were made tho we got separated cos of the different courses we take and the different "schools" we are in.

but th 13 wks of sch got me thinking if i made the right choice to be in this course and be in RP. it was hella tiring, tough, shitty but eventually it got good at the end. second thoughts are always there but my friends are the one who cleared those second thoughts and made me look forward to school every single day even tho it was super tiring cos sch starts at 8.30am .

God has been good to be but at th same time bad i guess. sometimes idk what exactly is God putting me thru but i thank God for placing such friends in my life and also people who i really treasure alot. the goodness of God ofcus did not do only these but many other things . thank God for everything .

things have been going quite well with my friends from sec sch but when it comes to fights / disappointement / disagreement / unfair treatment or even being lied to & all those negative things that happen in friendships , it became so frustrating that i cant say it out but to keep everything inside and th thought of saying it out might just let people feel that im against th person or how biased i am by feeling it that way . tbh who can i really say it to ? this platform is too public so i doubt i will even say it here cos i dont wna name names. its hard keeping it inside cos its might just be me who is feeling this way. i feel like theres too much burden and too many things i have been bottling it up and couldnt even say it which makes me heart super heacy every single day . it hurts so badly. like who can i really turn to at these point in time. these days or shld i say for th whole time of 2016 , my 6th sense have been telling me that im being bad mouthed and talked about behind my back. since th start im always the one that is being bad mouthed and talked about. how is this even fair ? like dont they know th words they say r so damn freaking hurtful that they dont realise how much words can hurt and change someone into another person. im tired of all these shits , th thought of just drifting away and letting go & ending th friendship is just super strong but part of me still need and want those friendship .

been super emotionally unstable because of so many shits that have been going on . but me being emotionally unstable about relationships is still there where theres nothing and no words can even describe it . me being jealous when i shouldnt, being overly attached when i shouldnt and many other things. its like idk what exactly am i feeling but it makes me feel like im just fooling myself and lying to myself because of everything. just because one person made me realise so many things and pulled me out from wherever i was , doesnt mean that th person likes you doesnt it. maybe he is just being kind and treating you like a younger sister, caring for you, being concern about you.. these thoughts have been on my mind for quite some while but isit me that he has feelings or isit just me lying to myself ?
i barely got myself out from being too attached to someone and im alrdy doing so to another person ? i mean its like i already have no feelings and moved on but th actions i feel r th same. some say absence makes the heart grow founder . is it true to everyone or just to some people ?
im obviously not who the person likes but why r am i falling for him every single time ? time always passes so damn freaking fast everytime im with him but its maybe its just out of kindness that he is willing to do that . sigh this is why i hate falling in love and so afraid of doing so . but why does he show me otherwise about my insecurities ? im legit confused .

holidays just started not long ago and its kinda boring to just work everyday. but its like there's no where to go and nothing much to do anymore. just need some breather not by going out but how i wish i can go overseas too. in need of a getaway so freaking much.

journey as a prefect

so on th 15th of July 2015 , i officially stepped down as a prefect and its th time where we realised how fast this 4 years have been . i'll definitely miss th time spent tgt with my fellow batch prefects :-( . but first , allow me to take your through my journey as a prefect in both primary school & secondary school ~

firstly , i was a prefect in pri sch all th way till P5 till things happened & that kinda make me feel useless cus as a prefect u're supposed to be a good role model and yet i didnt . so i got stripped and was just a normal student in P6 . and yes that was one of th worst memory i had in primary sch . it made me lose hope that i wouldnt be a prefect in sec sch but no , things didnt happen that way . i was chosen by my teacher , passed th interview and passed th probation period back then in sec 1 . those days were my ' nerdy ' days , hair up , no feelers , long skirt & also a red specs . so i was kinda th one who always follow th rules , and was super committed to th board .

so moving on to end of sec 2 , i changed and was no longer th ' guai kia ' anymore . i was rebellious and again i got stripped for 2 months , which i considered lucky becus it was during th hols that my tie got stripped . but that disappoint me and my teachers alot . cus i had my own expectation on where i wanna be in th exco when my batch is gna take over and th expectation and position my teacher had for me back then . again , that pulled me down so badly and i pretty much lost my confidence . but then to think of it , everything happens for a reason . even tho till now im not quite happy with my position in th exco , but what has been done has been done . nothing can change it anymore . so im still thankful that i can be part of th exco even if its a deputy position . also , last year which i was in sec 3 , my commitment towards th board reduced alot due to my second cca which is MES which requires me to be there more often becus i was th vicechair person back then before moving up to th chairperson . at first it was quite difficult to juggle so many responsibility & task at first but after awhile , i got used to it and also got hanged of whats going on . having 2 leadership position is not easy , th people to lead is different as well so th method to discipline them is different as well . but despite all these , im still thankful that im able to get a position in th board . 

okay moving on , during sec 2 , i took on th duty being an announcer where you go up on stage to lead th pledge and give announcements . that improved my public speaking skills and also th confidence to speak infront of many people . if i was given another chance , i would still choose being an announcer becus thats where i want to be and what i want to do . all thanks to th board that given me this chance to be an announcer and thus i've been given a chance to emcee during events such as teacher's day , talentime and also some other small events . its really been a great time spent as a board & definitely worth remembering . till now if im given a presentation to do , i would still do it becus this is what i love doing tho my heart still beats super fast despite th countless time of going up . i'll definitely miss this duty alot . :( 

next , i wanna thank my batch of prefects for walking thru this journey with me from th start all th way till th end . without them it journey wouldnt be as fun , wouldnt be as memorable and amazing . even tho we have physically left th board , i bet our hearts is still in th board wishing for th best for th next batch . thankful for each of them tho some left us due to some personal reasons but we're still one big family . without them i wouldnt be who i am today . and they are th reason why i love doing my job . small little things we did together are definitely th best times & im surely gna miss it alot . from sleeping in th canteen to sleeping in prefects room , tonning th night to talk nonsense , spending quality time tgt after major events , going for makan session , going crazy tgt , being idiots , losing face together and etc . im surely gna miss all these , th chance of coming tgt is lesser now since we graduated from prefectorial board . but i bet , th bond we had tgt will still be there and we will still be one . they are th reason why i love serving as a prefect and th reason why i didnt quit as a prefect . tho th journey wasnt that smooth in th beginning but as time passes , i thank God for each and everyone of you for completing this 4 years tgt as prefects . you guys are definitely th best !!! im proud to say that im part of this big big family ❤

another chapter in secondary school has closed and im only left with that few more chapters before i closed this ' book ' in my life . secondary sch has definitely taught me many many life long values and i will bring them with me as i leave th school at th end of th year . but before that , im excited to see how each one of us will continue to strive in our own academic and our own path we choose . also a new chapter awaits us for th remaining time we left in secondary school . im looking forward to see how this chapter is gna be like . i pray that each one of us will be able to do well in our own areas and do th teachers proud and we can leave th school without any regrets . i also pray that this friendship will continue even as we leave th school , it will never stop and we can always turn to each other in times of help .

as i close this post , i really want to thank God for each one of them , without them im really wouldnt be who i am today and just thank them for finishing this journey with me as leaders . even tho we ' POP ' -ed . there's no POP in leadership . i pray that this leadership skill we picked up will continue to bring us to greater heights and excel in our after secondary school life which is either poly , jc and even ite . can never thank them enough and i shall let th pictures take over ❤

Ohana ❤ ( missing out th other 3 teachers )

with gerald , my campteen " bf " :-) 

with jiaen :-) 

fav bunch of people ❤

the " LIMS " :-)

with xueyun :-) 

dont mess with us yo 

i became da flower girl hehe 

another family shot ❤ 

with my sec 2 camp 2014's '' bf '' hehe 

with boss . super proud of you my dear !! 

❤ 5 + 1 loves ( missing jack ) 

its time to POP lo !! 

with rey :-) 

its R21 guys 

with huiying :-) 

with aloy !! pri sch mates till now hehe

 

with chin :-) 

sigh it has come to th end of this journey so quickly :( 

i've graduated from prefect !! 4 years has indeed passed super quickly :( no more wearing of tie in school anymore . i'll definitely miss all those memories & im already missing them :( 

last but not least , thank you for reading !! till th next post xx :-) 

adventure - 19 may xx

finally after 3 weeks of hell , MYE IS OVER !! and what i did after my last paper was to go on an adventure to bukit timah railway track & macritchie reservoir ! it was super tiring cus i had a paper in th morning & out in th afternoon but its still worth it at th end thanks to those who were there . :)) thankful for them and they played a great part in my secondary school life . shall let th pictures take over now ya . heh , looking forward to more adventure wif them . :-)

xx till th nxt post xx

what am i exactly feeling

so things changed here and there and i just couldnt find out th reason why am i getting so affected these days . maybe its because im falling for someone else when it isnt th time to do so ? or isit just infatuation . but i guess not if not why would i get so affected .

things isnt going th way it was suppose to be .. i thought things are finally changing & yeah , but i guess it isnt . still finding out why am i going thru all these . even so , i cant be stronger , i cant stand up stronger . each time things like this happen , i fall to my lowest and tadah , nobody is there when i needed them . why isit that everyone is treating me this way . they say treat people how you want people to treat you . i did , but guess what nth comes back . why isit so ? idek .

still finding out why is it that God put me thru these kinds of situation again . firstly , i got over th prev one alr . now th same cycle came back . why is it so . why God why . i cant handle these kind of things well , i cant . i really cant . as much as i want to stand up stronger , things isnt helping , people arent helping . all they will do is to push me back down again . am i that weak to people arnd me ? is that why im getting this treatment each time ?

i guess i need to time off and just shut everyone out . i guess i need a getaway that nobody knows & wonder if they will look for me . i guess i need to find time to just fuck off from ppl . i guess its time for me to leave ppl instead of ppl leaving me . i guess .. i guess .. idk God just help me . im seek you , i need you , i want you . where are you God

11 April 2015 , a day to rmb xx

So hi guys , its been a week since my last post . so im back again this time posting about th advance birthday celebration i had !! It was really very enjoyable but of course tiring nearing the end of everything . but the amount of effort they put in to make this a successful is really i cant describe it . so lemme bring you guys through th whole thing .

so firstly , this birthday celebration is for 3 person initially & changed to 4 afterwards . so th 4 april babies ( me , zisheng , keith & aloysius ) wasnt suppose to know abt this event but because of how obvious the planning team was , we eventually knew its for us . just that we didnt know what we will be doing & what will happen . th whole thing started by us listening to an audio clip inspired by AudioMob . we had to do the according to the instructions given by the audio . it was just so damn stupid for us to do so , one time during audio mob was awkward enough but this time it was even worse because there's only three of us doing it . after th audio , we were blindfolded and brought to the place where the rest were . we were then asked to do stupid stuffs again to pass th round before we can actually know what is going on . when th blindfold was taken off , each of us were holding a hellium balloon & a there was even a cake for th four of us . th cake was literally wasted because it was use to bash aloy as a surprise event for him . but i was really surprised by how they did it , spending so much effort just to come out wif all these stuffs & im really thankful for each one of them . xx

We proceeded on to playing games in the sea & we had alot of fun !! Really , it was so fun till i had to come out of the water unwillingly . and then we got an unexpected 'gifts' which was srsly idk why but pad and disposable underwears which is seriously wtf . HAHAHAHAH it was srsly damn stupid but shocking at th same time . And then after that , i got th real gift from th guys which gave me butter cookies & ferrero rocher heheheh and then i got dumped by sand which got me supper irritated cus th sand got into my eyes . but despite that , i really thank them for getting sth for me even tho i wasnt that close to them before this celebration . and so , we continued playing in th water all th way till night time arnd 8+ we got out of th water and went around taking photos . while th rest was taking photos , i went to walked by th seaside alone & it was really so relaxing and comforting being able to release those negative thoughts temporarily that day .

After washing up , i got th gift from th girls which was a combination of th wishes from my schoolmates , teachers and also my classmates . didnt expect this but really grateful for it . we walked from palawan beach all th way out till vivo and my legs almost gave up on me cus it was just so tiring and becoming jelly . th day ended well by having to suck my hellium balloon . i know it sounds like im a kid but hellium balloons never fails to make me happy whenever im feeling down . i guess its probably th effect of th hellium that is able to make me happy :)) 

I can never thank those guys enough for making this pleasant surprise for us . here are some photos heheheh

Thanks guys , love you guys xx hehehe till th next post which is my actual 16th bday :)) xx 

Countdown : 5 more days xx